Resident Evil: Apartment Life
by WeskyTron4211
Summary: What happens when you put an idiot and an asshole in an apartment? This. UPDATE: Chapter 3: Downtown
1. Land of the Lost DVDs

Inspired by: Mission Almost Impossible

In the city of Washington, D.C, live a man named Leon Scott Kennedy. Leon was not very smart man. Actually he was borderline retarded, but that's beside the point. Leon didn't have very many friends, so President Graham, Ashley Graham, and some of the other agents were his only real friends.

Leon was sitting in his apartment, listening to his favorite band on his iPod Touch, The Bloodhound Gang, when his roommate, Zachary Anderson, burst through his door.

"What the fuck happened to my Land of the Lost DVD!?!?!? "

"Why the hell would I know?!"

"Because you loved that movie!"

"Oh, just because I love Danny McBride immediately means I love any movie he's in?"

"Yes, that's exactly what it means!"

"Shut the fuck up!"

"You better give me back my DVD or I'll...I'll....I'll break Mr. Fuzzykins!"

Mr. Fuzzykins was Leons favorite teddy bear of the collection he has amassed.

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Oh yes I would."

Walking across the room, Zack picked up the pink teddy bear from Leon's dresser and got in position to rip it's head off.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

_Rrrrriiippppp!_

Letting the late Mr Fuzzykin's head fall to the ground, Zack said quietly, "If you don't give me back my DVD i'm going to reduce your collection to dust."

While Zack was saying that, Leon was spazzing out, crying his eyes out.

"I don't have it, I swear on my grandmothers grave I don't have it!"

"Fine then," Zack said softly,"I'll go get a lighter."

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Leon screamed,"NoNoNoNoNoNoNo!!"

Then, almost as soon as he walked out of Leon's room, Zack called back, "Nevermind Leon, I found it in the cabinet."

How about that, did you like it? I personally didn't like it that much, but if you like it I will keep making them.


	2. Halloween Antics

I made a Halloween fanfic. I know right! Well it's Halloween time here the great state of Michigan, and I honestly don't care. I was going to go as a hippie, but then I got my haircut, so that's over with.

Disclaimer: Resident Evil and all related characters are a registered copyright of Capcom 1998-2009

"Leon!" Zack yelled.

"What, Zack!"Leon shouted back.

"It's time to go." Zack replied.

"Be right there." Leon said.

It was Halloween, and Leon and Zack were going out to get some candy. They figured that if they hit up really stupid houses, maybe they can get some candy before the other kids parents catch on. Leon was dressed up as a banana and Zack was dressed up as a zombie.

"Braaaaiiiinnnnsssssss." Zack moaned, "Braaaaaaaaiiiinnnnsss!"

"Shut up!" Leon roared.

Ugggggggghhhhhhhhh!" Zack continued. "Braaaaiiinnnssss!"

Leon then slapped him across the face with his maraca and then proceeded to start dancing.

"Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time! Peanut Butter Jelly Time!" he sang.

"That outfit isn't funny,"Zack said, "it's pretty juvenile."

"Peanut Butter Jelly Peanut Butter Jelly Peanut Butter Jelly with baseball bat!" he continued.

"Let's just go." Zack said

So they walked down the stairs, but Leon wouldn't shut up, so Zack pushed him down the stairs. They walked out of the building, avoiding Mr. Burton and his wife Sandy who was dressed up as a witch.

"So where do we go first?" Leon asked nonchalantly

"The first house to hit up is... Jack Krauser's house." Zack told him.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Leon screamed.

"Whoa what the fuck is your problem? Zack wondered out loud.

"Jack Krauser is the baddest guy on the block man, we can't go anywhere near his house!" Leon replies.

"Fine then, calm down, we'll go to the next person on the list." Zack said

"Kay, who is that?" Leon said.

"William Birkin." Zack replied.

Leon went white as a ghost. "Fine, we'll go to Krausers house."

"Come on." Zack said angrily.

They started to walk to Krauser's house, receiving many glares from parents and occasionally a little kid.

"Why is everyone staring at us?" Leon asked cautiously.

"Well Leon, it's either me or you, and since your a grown man in a banana outfit, it's a tough guess." Zack answered.

"STFU!" said Leon loudly.

"No you." Zack said.

They continued to walk to Krauser's house. They walked up the steps and Leon stopped dead in his tracks.

"What's your problem with this guy, Leon?" Zack questioned.

"This guy used to be my partner in the force, but he died in car accident."Leon said.

"But aren't we at his hou-" Zack began.

"LEON!!!" Krauser said, bursting out of the door.

Krauser grabbed Leon and gave him a crushing bear hug. Then Zack noticed why Leon was scared of him. Krauser was the scariest looking man he'd ever seen. Krauser had big scars all over his face and he was way too muscular for a normal human being.

"Leon, ol' buddy, ol' pal! How ya been?" Krauser roared.

"I've been okay Krauser." Leon replied, "I've been okay."

"Great, great. Who's this faggot?" Krauser said.

"This is my roommate Zack. Krauser, Zack. Zack, Krauser." Leon introduced.

Krauser shook hands with Zack. "Are you gay?" Krauser asked.

"No, I'm going out with somebody." Zack said.

"Who is she?" Krauser asked.

"You wouldn't know her." Zack told him

"Try me." Krauser challenged

"Ada Wong." Zack said.

Krauser collapsed, laughing so hard he was crying and clutching his sides.

"You—with—her" Krauser stuttered.

"Shut up Krauser" Leon said frustrated.

"Oh God, oh God, I'm gonna pee my pants" Krauser said wheezing.

"Shut the fuck up Krauser!" Leon roared.

"You hear that Leon! Your roommates boning you're ex!" Krauser said.

Leon was fed up with it so he aimed up for a kick at Krauser's precious kiwis, and then fired. Krauser, who had just managed to finally stand up, collapsed again in pain. When Krauser started to cry, they both ignored him and went into his house to steal all of his candy. But right before they walked out, Leon noticed that there was a leather skirt hanging up on a hook in the foyer.

"Hey Zack, come in here!" Leon called.

"What is it Leon, he has Cinnamon Toast Crunch!" Zack called back.

"He has a leather skirt in the front room." Leon said, kind of freaked out.

Zack was in there in less than five seconds. They just stood there and stared at it for, like 10 minutes.

"D'ya think it's his?" Leon asked.

"If it is his, I'm going to lose my mind." Zack said.

"Let's just leave and we'll never talk about this again. Agreed?" Leon said.

"Agreed." Zack concurred.

So Leon and Zack walked out the door, stepped over Krauser's unconscious body and went straight back to their apartment.

Did ya like it? I hope you did or I might send William for you. So Triple T and Wolfgirl, did you like the references? I hope you did since you two are my favorite authors. 3333;)

Next chapter should be up in a week or so, so bai bai!


	3. Downtown

Hi, it's me again. I'm in a really writey mood so I thought I would start writing my third chapter. This time, Leon and Zack are in trouble when they get thrown in jail! What will happen next?! The world may never know... unless the world reads this. :3

Disclaimer: Everyone and everything belongs to the greatest company ever, CAPCOM! Except for Zack and things not in the Resident Evil series. Oh, and me! If you want the song I was listening to when I wrote this, go listen to Restless Days by the Carrot Works on YouTube.

Leon was sitting in his bean bag chair that swallowed him when he sat in it. He was listening to Bloc Party when Zack kicked down his door, which unsurprisingly landed on Leon's foot.

"What the fuck, asshole?!" Leon shouted, lifting the door off his foot and rubbing it.

"John's here!" Zack exclaimed.

"No way!" Leon said.

John was Zack's cousin who lived in Michigan with his girlfriend, Rebecca. He visited rarely and when he did, they all went out to the hottest clubs. With his connections to President Graham, Leon could get a naked guy into the Viper Room, let alone a whole bunch of good looking people, easy. And just in case the bouncer doesn't believe that the badge is real, they just get Ada or, occasionally, Ashley to flaunt their stuff to get in.

"Well, is he inside or is he on his way?" Leon asked.

"He's pulling up right now." Zack said.

"Well, lets go and see him in." Leon said.

Leon and Zack walked outside while John was getting out of the taxi. John was a heavy-set 24-year old, with shortcut brown hair, broad shoulders, and was a few inches taller than both of them. John was a weakling, but when he threw his weight around he could easily take down Zack or Leon. Leon, personally, was terrified of him when he got pissed, but Zack wasn't. History maybe, Leon thought.

"Sup guys!" John boomed.

"Hey, whats up John?" Zack said.

"The sky!" John joked.

"Whatever, idiot." Leon said.

"What you guys been up to." John asked.

"Nothing" Zack replied.

"Nothing, except for Zack knocking a door on my feet." Leon complained.

"What the hell, Zack! Don't be a dick to your cousins favorite government agent." John said

"Calm the fuck down, John."Zack retorted.

So they started to walk into the apartment complex and upstairs to their rooms. On their way there, John tripped and fell down two flights of stairs. He then rolled all the way outside and his head smashed against one of the parking guards. Unconscious, John started to mumble.

"No, Mr. Wesker, that's my chicken!" he murmured.

Leon, deeply terrified at the mention of Albert Wesker's name, ran down to where John was and slapped him across his face.

"Wuzzgoinon?" John said.

"You fell down the stairs."Leon said, sheet pale.

"Oh, well then, isn't my face red." John said.

"If by your face, you mean the whole back of your head, then yes. Yes it is." Zack yelled from the window.

Leon picked up John's suitcase, whose contents were laying out all over the parking lot, and helped up John. They walked upstairs and Leon showed John where his room was and John went to get associated.

They hung out for a couple of hours, playing Resident Evil 5. Leon said he knew the main character, but no one believed him. After Leon ran to his room crying, Zack and John started searching for a club they could go to. They decided to go to Billy Coen's club, Voncho. They were getting ready when there was a knock on the door. Zack went to the door and opened it.

"Wassup, bitches!" the rambunctious blonde said.

It was Ashley Graham, the presidents daughter. She was wearing a white camisole and a pair of white latex pants, white high heels, a white choker and a bunch of bracelets and rings.

"So where are we going to par-tay!? Wooooo!" Ashley shrieked.

"What the hell Ashley!?" Leon said, "Nobody invited you."

"Well sorrrrry, but it's not my fault that my dad went to the Nobel Prize thingy and left me with Mr. Brooks and Mr. Petera."

Mr. Brooks and Mr. Petera were the two of the three Secret Service agents, including Leon, that were assigned to Ashley. They are the typical government agent stereotypes, big, tall and, buff, with shortcut hair and sunglasses.

"Oh yeah, the asswipes that were 'sick' when you were kidnapped." Leon sneered.

"Wait, are they here right now?" Zack questioned.

"No, I slipped them at the cheesecake factory on 3rd Street." Ashley replied, "On that note, I'll be waiting in the guest room."

Zack tried to stop her, but Leon held his arm back and shook his head

Ashley went into the guest room and less than a minute later, they heard a scream and Ashley ran out of the hallway.

"AHHHHHH! What the fuck was that?!" Ashley shrieked.

"Hahaha, you dumbass blonde, that's my cousin John," Zack said, patting her on her head, "don't you remember him from last May? You know, when we went to Forest's bar, Crowvent?

"That's not John, that was a monster!" Ashley said.

As if on cue, John walked out with a sock on his 'area' and a guacamole face-mask.

"What the fuck?, I'm trying to trim my pubes and exfoliate when Ashley walks in and scares the fuck out of me!" John yelled.

"Sorry but we thought it would be funny." Leon said.

"Hey hey hey, I didn't say it wasn't funny, it was just a dick move." John said.

Ashley went to the bathroom, presumably to vomit, and John went to 'finish', flashing them with his ass. A few minutes later, Ashley walked out of the hallway, looking traumatized. She sat down and didn't say a single word. Seconds later, John walked out of the guest room, wearing a black silk undershirt with a black coat and charcoal slacks. He pulled out a black fedora with white pinstripes and slipped it on.

"Let's get the hell out of this shithole!" John boomed.

"Hey." Zack warned.

"Whatever." John said.

Ashley stood up and followed everyone out of the apartment. They piled into Leon's Explorer and drove off. They stopped at a Mcdonalds and Leon fire in the holed them. The guy had a gun, but they managed to get away by throwing Big Macs at him until he drowned in grease. They arrived at Voncho, but they had to park their car almost a mile away.

"This sucks ass," John complained, "this suit cost nine hundred and seventy two bucks and now it's gonna get all sweaty.

"Hey John,what do you do anyway?" Ashley asked, wondering where he got that kind of money.

"I am a CEO." John replied.

"What company?" Leon inquired.

"GameStop." John replied.

"Awesome, can we get free games?" Leon asked.

"Yes, but I won't let you." John replied.

"Awwwwww, why n-" Leon began.

"Unless," John cut in, "you guys get me laid tonight."

"Piece of cake." Zack said

They all shook hands and continued on their walk. They got to the club at around nine o'clock. They walked up to the bouncer, you're typical bouncer with bleach blond hair, a skin-tight shirt and ripply muscles.

"Hello my good man," Leon said. "I am with President Grahams protection group. I must access this club for a stakeout."

The bouncer shot a glare at him. "Are you on the list?" The bouncer asked menacingly.

"No, but-" Leon began.

"No entry unless you are on the list." The bouncer said.

Zack, knowing how to get in, turned around and cocked his eyebrow at Ashley. Ashley caught on, walked to the bouncer and caressed him.

"Well whatever should I do know? I have nothing to do. Could you help me?" Ashley said with a unmistakably flirtatious tone. She pulled the bouncer away and started to make out with him. Everyone else ran in while the guard was distracted. They got inside and Ashley soon followed.

"He tried to kiss me and I sprayed him with Mace." Ashley responded to the looks on everyone's faces.

Leaving it at that, they all went to party. Ashley went to the dance floor, Zack and Leon went to the bar, and John went to hit on girls. They all danced, got drunk, and partied. Around two AM, the club started to die down. They all stayed though, and all of them got a date. Around three, they all left, completely wasted.

"Wooooo!" John yelled. "Let's get the fuck out of here!"

"Were getting laid tonight!" Leon yelled, planting a kiss on his date, Brittney.

They began to walk to the car, but then the most unfortunate thing happened. A police cruiser pulled up aside them and the officer rolled down the window.

"Are you guys hammered?" the officer asked

"What's it to ya, asshole!" Zack yelled, throwing a bottle of Budweiser at his cruiser, which soared over it.

The cop opened the door, pulled out his taser gun, and shot a round at Zack.

"What are you gonn-- GUGUGUGUGUGUGUGUGUGUGU" Zack gurgled.

Zack fell to the ground and began to shake violently.

"Does anyone else want to throw anything!? Huh!?" the cop yelled.

Everyone had their hands up already, and with the question, they all shook their heads.

"Alright then, now you and you, come with me." the cop pointed at John and Leon, pulled out his walkie talkie, and called for more cars. He got everyone's information and he put cuffs on John and Leon and led them into the car. He got in and drove away. John gulped and looked at Leon and saw that he was sucking his thumb and in the fetal position.

"Hey, bacon bits, what do we call you?" John asked smugly.

"Officer Branton." Branton answered

"You're name is stupid." Leon remarked

Officer Branton slammed on the brakes, turned around and opened the grate (the one separating the back and front seats). He put his stun gun through it and shot another round, this time, at Leon. Leon mimicked Zack and began to shake violently

"You have the right to shut the fuck up!" Branton yelled.

They arrived at the police station and the cop led them inside. He made them take a Breathalyzer as soon as they arrived. Leon blew a 0.28; John a 0.32.

"Ha, I blew a 0.28." Leon said.

"Hardy - har – har," John said in a heavily sarcastic tone,"that's the funniest thing I've heard all night."

Branton led them into a jail cell filled with tough-looking men. One guy had a stud through his eyelid and when John and Leon started to stare the man walked towards them.

"You got a problem with me, you freakin'' pansies?!" the man hollered.

"No sir, we were just wondering; what the hell is with the eyelid piercing?" John said.

"It's for my momma! You got a problem with that!?" the man yelled.

"No, we don't have a problem." John said, "We just thought--

The eyelid man socked John in the face and he fell to the ground, picked him up, and threw John into a group of sex-deprived prisoners. All the men picked him up and walked into the bathroom. For the next few minutes, all anyone heard in the station was the blood-curdling screams of Eddie. After all the men were done, Eddie walked out of the bathroom, his face horror-stricken, clothing disheveled.

"Cool," Leon said, "since you got sex, I get free games. Yay!"

John vomited, shook a little, and collapsed to the floor.

"Eww..." Leon said, face twisted in disgust.

Officer Branton walked up to the cell and called for John and Leon. Noticing John passed out on the ground in a pool of vomit, Branton said "Never mind, just Leon then."

Leon walked out of the cell and followed Branton to the payphone.

"Okay Leon, you can call whoever you want to and ask them to come get you. Your guys' bail is $1100." Branton said.

Leon entered a phone number and took the phone and put it to his ear. The phone was answered on the seventh ring.

"Hello..." the man said groggily.

"Hi, Mr. Graham. Me and my roommate's cousin are in jail." Leon said

"Did you rape Ashley?" President Graham said, suddenly alert.

"No, we were at a club and got a little drunk."

"Well then, I'll send Fisher to come get you. How much is bail?"

"$1100 each."

"'Kay, bye."

"Bye"

Leon hung up and went back to the cell. John had recovered, albeit jittery, and was sitting on the bed.

"How ya holding up?" Leon asked.

"Fuck you, suck my dick." John replied.

"You've already had both of those experiences tonight, haven't you?"

"Shut the fuck up."

Leon and John hung out until their ride got there and walked out the door with the Secret Service agent Fisher. They all piled into his Explorer and drove off.

Oh my God, I'm sorry about how long it took me to post this. Pweese R&R. Bai Bai!


End file.
